Fuck Cancer and 9/11, part one

 I'm  a meticulously private person, which is weird when considering I host a blog, am a producer, and have a good following on social media. If you notice, I'm able to still hide myself despite the notoriety by writing about topics other than myself, not being the sole focus of photos, and posts on my social media outlet, featuring the work as opposed to be featured in the work. Yet sometimes I feel the need to open up a little and let people in. this is one of those times. 

I just got back from my mother's oncology appointment at NYU Langone (amazing facility and staff btw) with an update on her condition. I didn't want to wait to write this as I wanted to capture my raw emotions as I experienced them, to be able to look back on these entries and relive these moments. Writing is also a major form of release for me, though I don't have a journal or anything to convey my thoughts and feelings. I have a photographic / eidetic memory with certain types of thoughts, so a journal isn't necessary.  

I guess 9 /11 claims another victim, even so many years later. I attended school at BMCC and my mother worked for the State during 9/11. She wasn't there that day but I was, saw the 2nd plane fly over my head, crash, the chaos. I don't think anyone could forget that. I went back to school 2 weeks after it happened and my mom went back to work about 1 week after 9/11. She worked closer to the WTC than my school, which is telling as my school was only 3 blocks away. Fast forward 22 / 23 yrs, I'm in the WTC  Health Monitoring program for chronic Rhinitis and now my mom was JUST accepted for Bladder Cancer. Of which after removing her bladder, right lymph node and having a hysterectomy, the Urothelial tumor have spread into her lung. Chemo to begin again soon, but it's a losing battle, we know.  My father passed away from Pancreatic Cancer back in 2007 but he wasn't in my life that much so it wasn't felt as strongly as this eventually will. 

How am I coping? I'm tough, extremely strong female. I don't like showing too much emotion in front of others, including the small circle of close friends I have.I don't want my mom to see me cry, so she won't get triggered and start crying or having to relive the past 7 year battle with this cancer shit. I'm used to fending for myself, being the brave soul who ventures out and has crazy adventures, etc. I'm resilient, smart and all that. But really, I wanna just break down and cry. Run into some big, strong yet gentle man's arms and just let him hold me, silently, for hours... 

How's she coping? It's hard to say. But she has companionship in Gaea, her 18 yrs old (young) calico cat. Gaea was once my cat when she was 6 months old, I adopted her from my old job, the ASPCA. I was going through a rough patch & wanted to give her up for stupid reasons which I'll keep private. My mom said she'd keep her, and here we are, 18 yrs later & that cat looks like a frigging kitten, is amazing at watching over my mom. The 1st convo we had when we got home today from the oncologist, and really discussed a bit of the future, my mom said she worried who would take care of Gaea when she's gone. That's the FIRST thing she thought about. Of course Gaea will stay with me, that's a no brainer, but man, if you have a fur-baby or are thinking of getting one, don't hesitate, get more, adopt don't shop, it'll save your life, your heart & your sanity someday.

This shit is exhausting to say the least, always having to hide myself, keep my thoughts to myself, etc. I'm not an open person (I'm a Sagittarius on the Scorpio Cusp fyi, and both signs are very mysterious and hide things too well. But we're trustworthy, loyal to a 'T', bold, don't like sugar coating anything, and will know if you're trying to BS us. So buyer beware, I'm totally equal parts of both). Again, I'm NOT an open person, I show people what I want them to see, but I agreed to let you all get this tiny glimpse of me. 

Anyhoo, my mother starts chemo in 2 weeks. It'll be a different chemo than last time, less heavy on the kidneys but stronger potency against the tumor. Won't know the effect or anything until she starts treatment and future follows up. See how it goes, see if the tumor, this one fucking little tiny menace that causing all this BS, will shrink up and never come back. But we all know it will. Someday, which could be 1 month or 10 years, we never know. But someday, that little shit is going to come back and take her from me, from this world, from this universe.. 

Let's rewind. She first got a tumor, low grade,  back around crica 2016 / 2017. There was a weird feeling, like constant pressure in her abdomen, some blood while going to the bathroom and she told me back then, she knew this was something. She received BCG a type of oceanic bacteria that teaches the body that cancer cells are bad, stop growing them! This worked for about 7 years. Fast forward, her original doctor, NOT anyone from NYU Langone, but a private doc, missed something and it spread throughout her bladder and one half of a right lymph node. He didn't have the technology these large hospitals have, not his fault and not our fault we didn't think to get another opinion as things went well for years. So doctor said there's he can't do anything further and referred us to NYU Langone which was such a game changer. If you're sick, I encourage you seek 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 10th opinions, go to reputable hospitals where their research and technology is far advanced! If you were at 9/11 between sept 2001 and May 2002, get into the WTC Health Program STAT!! 

NYU Langone helped; is helping as best they can. They cut out organs, added more immuno therapy, etc etc. Now they're helping using genome typing to find out the genetics of the tumor so they can see what drugs it's resistant to or will be more effective without my mom even having to take the drugs, in addition to the chemo that is. They also will try her on that new experimental game changing drug from the UK that's effectively curing a large amount of cancer. The UK also has a soap made by a fucking brilliant teenager that cures skin cancer! The stuff the UK has on cancer treatment / cures  are game changing, the stuff America has on AIDS / HIV treatment are, again, game changing. She is considered to be stage 4 which isn't yet terminal but it just means the cancer spread to an organ other than where it originated. So she has bladder cancer urothelial cells from a bladder she no longer has, in her right lung. 

I plan on writing 2 or 3 more blogs about this to depict my thoughts / our journey as things progress and a final one, when this chapter finally ends. I wrote this straight through, no edits so sorry for the grammerical mistakes. See? I didn't even spell 'grammatical' right. 

I did not post every part of our story here, but I am cognizant of others out there, going through this as well. So please feel free to reach out to me, privately, on my social media or here in the comments, slide into my DMs as it were, if you need help, advice, recommendations or help on entering the WTC Health Monitoring program or VCF 9/11 Victims fund. I am all about knowledge and thoroughly educating people, helping where ever I can, so I don't mind if you reach out. sometimes, talking with complete strangers is easier than talking with people you've known for eons. 

Advice for now, live, LIVE your fucking lives to thee fullest! Don't wait until you're old to take that special trip, don't wait to tell someone how you feel about them, be brave, do something scary everyday, build that confidence, build yourself up, learn to ditch those toxic asshats in your life so they don't pull you down with them and drown you.

 I always tell people you have one life, ONE. It doesn't matter your religion, your race (though there's no such thing as race really. science fact, look it up), who you are, what you are.. Or even if you believe in reincarnation, you will only have this one life, this one chance, in your one body, with the one varying groups of people you will interact with throughout this one life. You will never have this again, so appreciate it, learn from it, live with it..  Ciao folks...

 

Ummm, where was I?

 Evening folks! Welp, again, I'm back here, adding to my blog without knowing what direction I want to go. I stopped, like most of you, during the pandemic as I was in the thick of things, working as Ops Manager for the local PODS, Covid tracking program and Business inspections for DOHMH (I've since moved on from that but ).  It took up a lot of my time with the long hours so I didn't have it in me to keep posting here.

Fast forward, I lost 11 people to covid & more to suicide, both family and good friends, switched jobs, inherited a cat, co-led a Zoom game night two nights per week & still do, inherited a dog, traveled during the pandemic, and then some. I wasn't sure if I would be coming back to do this blog as I haven't been feeling that creative lately. I was starting to prefer just posting pictures on my IG accounts...

I came back here to post something specific to someone, but when I got on this site, to my surprise, It stated I had  over 66,000 views. Insanity! Thank you all for the continued support! You've given me some new light in my life.

Though I do want to tweak my content, we'll see.

Stay tuned for more late night writing shenanigans! Will update more, soon as I can...

                                                                                                   Ciao 

à Éric F. / To Eric Fichaud

Disclaimer: I wrote this yrs ago more as a method of healing, letting things go, relieving frustrations rather than reliving them, than to actually send this letter out. Events from the past have always haunted me / frustrated me / confused me, so I've tried to learn from my mistakes & be a better version of me. This letter changes overtime as my thoughts see fit. That being said, I do NOT give my consent to use any part of this post in a negative way, to hurt anyone or to use for AI learning purposes or any other defamation or weird shit you kiddos are into these days. Sounds weird, but I gotta post so the 'webbies' don't use this for malicious purposes. LOL 

Avis de non-responsabilité : j'ai écrit il y a des années davantage comme méthode de guérison, de laisser les choses aller, de soulager les frustrations plutôt que de les revivre, plutôt que pour envoyer cette lettre. Les événements du passé m'ont toujours hanté / frustré / dérouté, alors j'ai essayé d'apprendre de mes erreurs et d'être une meilleure version de moi. Cette lettre change au fil du temps selon mes pensées. Cela étant dit, je ne donne PAS mon consentement pour utiliser une quelconque partie de ce message de manière négative, pour blesser qui que ce soit ou pour l'utiliser à des fins d'apprentissage de l'IA ou pour toute autre diffamation ou merde étrange dans laquelle vous êtes les enfants ces jours-ci. Cela semble bizarre, mais je dois poster pour que les « webbies » ne l'utilisent pas à des fins malveillantes. MDR

Cher Éric,

Je sais que notre temps est révolu et je ne veux contrarier personne en écrivant ceci. Perdre tant de personnes récemment, laisser des choses non dites et ne plus jamais pouvoir parler m'a fait prendre conscience des opportunités manquées.

Honnêtement, je ne comprenais pas grand chose à ce qui s’était passé entre nous à l’époque. J'étais très confus et frustré, tout comme je suis sûr que vous l'étiez aussi (je comprends). Il y avait des incohérences dans nos actions, mais peut-être ne nous en sommes-nous pas rendu compte ? Je réalise maintenant à quel point j'étais jeune, naïf et inexpérimenté, surtout avec la façon dont j'ai réagi. Parfois, j'avais l'impression que tu avais 2 longueurs d'avance sur moi et j'avais du mal à suivre, j'avais du mal à agir et à montrer que je m'en souciais au lieu de ne rien faire ou d'être bouleversé sans contexte quant à la raison pour laquelle j'étais bouleversé. Alors que d’autres fois, je ne savais pas comment te faire parler. L'anxiété n'a pas aidé les choses, mais nous avons essayé. Cependant, en nous souvenant de notre maladresse l’un envers l’autre, nos sentiments étaient quelque peu clairs. Je ressentais très fort pour toi, si je ne croyais pas ou ne croyais pas en toi, je n'aurais pas tenu aussi longtemps.

Malheureusement, nous n'avons pas bien communiqué et je pense que les nerfs étaient à blâmer. Nous n'avons pas non plus eu autant d'occasions de parler, en raison de notre situation, mais j'ai l'impression que le manque de communication nous a amenés à supposer des choses les uns sur les autres qui n'étaient pas vérifiées. Tout ce que je voulais, c'était que nous parlions, même si cela n'en avait pas l'air. Quoi qu’il en soit, il y a des choses que je dois clarifier car je n’ai jamais été sûr de ce que vous pensiez. Je suis sûr que vous avez également des questions similaires sur mes actions.

Nous n’avons jamais eu l’occasion d’en parler, mais si jamais vous lisez ceci, vous comprendrez peut-être mieux mon comportement. Ce n’est pas tout ce qu’il faut dire et cela n’aura de sens pour personne sauf nous, mais ce sont ceux-là qui ont le plus retenu l’attention pour des raisons évidentes. Je ne veux pas divulguer des choses sur mon blog ou en public, mais j'ai aussi écrit ceci pour m'aider à retrouver la tranquillité d'esprit.

J'ai toujours de l'anxiété et écrire m'aide à libérer mes pensées rapides et récurrentes, ce qui est une tâche ardue quand on a une mémoire photographique/eidétique comme la mienne. Croyez-moi, ce n'est pas aussi cool que ça en a l'air.

• Alors, pour clarifier, je ne vous ai pas quitté. Lors de notre première rencontre, je t'ai vu sortir avec tes colocataires de la section bijoux du centre commercial, derrière la scène, où tu me cherchais. J'ai appelé mais tu ne m'as pas entendu, si tu avais regardé à ta gauche, tu m'aurais vu. Mon cousin et moi avons essayé de nous rattraper mais vous avez marché trop vite.
• 
  
• J'ai commencé à être frustré de venir là-bas, de te dire bonjour et de ne plus te parler pendant un moment. J'ai essayé de trouver des moyens d'interagir, j'ai fait ce que je pouvais mais c'était très dur pour moi. J'aurais aimé avoir des choses comme les téléphones portables, les réseaux sociaux, etc. à l'époque, les choses auraient été beaucoup plus faciles à naviguer. Avoir une voiture ou pouvoir rentrer en voiture m'aurait également beaucoup aidé.
• 
  
• Au bowling, j'ai dû lâcher ta main rapidement car mon sac s'est accroché sur une femme qui passait et j'étais coincé sur elle, dans une position bizarre. En récupérant mon sac, honnêtement, j'étais trop timide et anxieux pour réagir correctement, puis tu es parti. Je n'ai pas bien compris pourquoi car je pensais que tu allais te retourner et enfin me parler. J'ai couru après toi en t'appelant, mais tu ne m'as pas entendu. Preuve? Je t'ai vu presque te faire renverser par cette petite voiture noire, la Pontiac firebird ? , en route vers votre voiture. Vous étiez tellement perdu dans vos pensées que vous ne pouviez pas m'entendre crier, ni voir la voiture arriver. Ton vieil ami, Tommy Sod..., m'a dit bonjour et m'a vu te poursuivre. Je veux que tu saches que je ne t'ai pas « laissé en plan », j'ai essayé. Mais je pense que je comprends votre POV maintenant.
• 
  
• Cela me faisait bizarre quand j'interagis sais avec vos amis car je ne savais pas ce que vous leur disiez, la plupart vous disaient toujours bonjour et étaient super gentils avec moi, alors que d'autres ne l'étaient pas. J'apprécie que tu leur parles de moi mais j'aurais toujours préféré simplement parler avec toi. Je n'ai jamais compris pourquoi tu ne m'as pas rappelé "à ce moment-là" (je suppose que tu as reçu ces photos mais j'ai maintenant l'impression que ton anglais n'était peut-être toujours pas aussi bon que je le pensais, même si je pensais que tu le parlais extrêmement eh bien, j'aurais dû t'écrire en français). Si vous avez appelé, je m'excuse pour cette hypothèse, car je n'avais pas de répondeur au début. (C'est à cause de vous que nous avons acheté un répondeur parce que j'ai réalisé que je risquais de manquer vos appels, MDR)
• 
  
• Je ne vous ai JAMAIS manqué de respect et je ne vous manquerai JAMAIS de respect. Chaque fois que j'amenais quelqu'un avec moi à Li ou ailleurs, c'était soit un cousin, mes copines ou un de mes amis gays que je voulais que vous rencontriez puisque vos amis savaient qui j'étais. C'était aussi difficile pour moi de voyager là-bas quand je ne conduisais pas. Je voulais juste que quelqu'un prenne le métro avec moi, car il faisait parfois très sombre et je devais marcher loin pour arriver au train lorsque les bus étaient lents ou ne circulaient pas. Lors de ce match dans le nord de l'État de New York, c'est mon ami, qui était gay, qui m'a emmené en voiture. Je voulais te parler ce soir-là, peut-être clarifier les choses à ce moment-là, mais ça ne s'est pas produit.
• 
  
• Il y avait des moments où j'étais à New York, avec des amis ou de la famille, et on me disait plus tard qu'ils vous voyaient, à proximité, me regarder mais que vous ne disiez rien (Chez McDonald's ?, etc.). Si c'était vrai, sachez que j'aurais aimé que vous veniez et disiez quelque chose, aussi étrange et effrayant que cette action ait pu être. Nous n’avions / n’avions vraiment aucune clarté sur quoi que ce soit et je le souhaitais au moins pour nous.
• 
  

Il y a beaucoup de choses que j'aurais aimé que nous disions à l'époque, donc les choses auraient pu être différentes ou avoir une compréhension plus ouverte. Je ne suis pas ici pour dire que j'aurais été meilleur pour toi par rapport aux autres, et je n'essaie pas non plus de te récupérer après tout ce temps. Mais je tiens profondément à vous et j'ai souhaité et espéré que toutes les hypothèses, questions, pensées, etc. pourraient trouver une réponse.

  J'ai toujours été impressionné et fier de tout le travail acharné et des efforts que vous avez consacrés à votre carrière, car votre travail n'était pas facile.

Je suis vraiment désolé pour les suppositions que j'ai faites à votre sujet et si mes actions, ou leur absence, vous ont blessé.  Je sais que tu es désolé aussi, tu me l'as dit, je t'ai finalement entendu ce jour-là mais j'étais trop loin pour réagir.

Je ne pense pas que cette lettre nous apporte une clarté totale ou une totale tranquillité d'esprit, principalement parce que si nous avions dit toutes ces choses à l'époque, les choses seraient bien différentes maintenant. Et, bien sûr, il y aurait dû en dire plus, mais j'ai écrit ce que j'ai pu sans apparemment essayer de dire au monde notre activité (de toute façon, peu de gens lisent mon blog).

Je doute que vous lisez ceci un jour, mais il est ici, si l'Univers décide que vous devriez le croiser.

J'espère que votre vie jusqu'à présent a été épanouissante, réussie et que vous avez encore de nombreuses années de bonheur et d'aventures devant vous...

                                            

    Prends soin de toi, Jessii

Dear Eric,

I know our time has passed & I don't want to upset anyone in writing this. Losing so many people recently, leaving things unsaid & never being able to speak again has made me cognizant of missed opportunities.

Honestly, I did not understand a lot of what happened between us back then. I was very confused & frustrated as I'm sure you were as well (I get it). There were inconsistencies  in our actions, but maybe we didn't realize it? I realize now, how young, naïve & inexperienced I was, especially w/ how I reacted. Sometimes it felt like you were 2 steps ahead of me & I struggled to keep up, struggled to take action & show I cared instead of doing nothing or being upset without context as to why I was upset. While other times, I wasn't sure how to get you to talk to me. Having anxiety didn't help things, but we tried. Though, remembering our awkwardness towards each other, our feelings were somewhat clear. I felt very strongly for you, if I didn't or didn't believe in you, I wouldn't have kept at it for so long.

Sadly, we did not communicate well & I think nerves were to blame. We also didn't have as many opportunities to talk, due to our situation, but I feel lack of communication caused us to assume things about each other that were unverified.  All I wanted was for us to talk, even if it didn't seem like it. Regardless, there's things I feel need clarifying as I was never sure what you were thinking. I'm sure you also have similar questions about my actions.


We never got to speak on these, but if you ever read this, maybe you'll have some clearer understanding behind my behavior. This isn't everything that needs to be said & it won't make sense to anyone except us, but these stuck out the most for obvious reasons. I don't want to air things out on my blog or in public, but I also wrote this to help me find peace of mind.

I still have anxiety & writing helps me to release my rapid, reoccurring thoughts, which is a daunting task when one has a photographic / eidetic memory like mine. Trust me, it's not as cool as it sounds.

• So, to clarify, I did not leave you. When we 1st met, I saw you leave w/ your roomies out the jewelry section of the mall, behind the stage, where you looked for me. I called out but you didn't hear me, if you had looked to your left, you would have seen me. My cousin & I tried to catch up but you guys walked too fast.
• 
  
• I began to get frustrated coming out there, saying hi & then not talking to you for a while. I tried to find ways to interact, I did what I could but it was very hard on me. I wished we had things like cell phones, social media, etc. back then, things would've been much easier to navigate. Having a car or being able to drive back then would've also helped me out loads.
• 
  
• The bowling event, I had to drop your hand fast because my bag got caught on a woman passing by & I was stuck on her, in a weird position. As I picked up my bag, I honestly was too shy and anxious to react properly   & then you left.  I didn't fully understand why as I thought you were going to turn around & finally talk to me. I ran after you, calling your name, but you didn't hear me. Proof? I saw you almost get hit by that small black car, the Pontiac firebird? , on the way to your car. You were so lost in thought, you couldn't hear me shouting, nor did you see the car coming. Your old friend, Tommy Sod..., said hi & saw me go after you. I want you to know that I wasn't 'leaving you hanging', I did try. But I think I get your POV now.
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• It felt weird to me when I interacted with your friends as I didn't know what you were telling them, most always said hi & were super nice to me, while some were not.  I appreciate you telling them about me but I always would've rather just talked with you. I never understood why you didn't call me back 'then' (I'm assuming you received those pics but I now feel maybe your English still wasn't as good as I thought it was, even though I thought you spoke it extremely well? I should've written you in French). If you did call, I apologize for the assumption as I actually didn't have an answering machine at first. (You were the reason we bought an answering machine cause I realized I might be missing your calls, LOL)
• 
  
• I have NEVER and would NEVER disrespect you in any way. Any time I brought someone with me to Li or elsewhere, it was either a cousin, my girlfriends, or 1 of my gay friends who I wanted you to meet since your friends knew who I was. It also was hard for me traveling out there when I didn't drive. I just wanted someone to take the metro with as it was very dark, at times & I had to walk far to get to the train when the buses were slow or not running. At that game in upstate, NY, that was my friend, who was gay, who gave me a ride. I did want to talk to you that night, maybe clear the air then, but it just didn't happen. 
• 
  
• There were times when I was around NYC, w/ friends or family, & I would later be told that they saw you, nearby, looking at me but you didn't say anything (At McDonald's?,  etc.). If this was true, know that I wish you had come over &said something, as weird & scary as that action may have been. We really had / have no clarity on anything & I at least wished that for us.

There's lots I wish we would've said back then so things might've been different or had more open understanding. I'm not here to say I would've been better for you when compared with others, nor am I trying to get you back after all this time. But I do care deeply for you & I wished and hoped all assumptions, questions, thoughts, etc could be answered.

 I've always been impressed & proud of all the hard work and effort you put into your career,  as your job was not easy.

I am so sorry for any assumptions I made of you & if my actions, or lack thereof, hurt you. I know you're sorry as well, you told me so, I finally heard you that day but was too far gone to react.

I don't think this letter gives either of us complete clarity or a full piece of mind, mainly because if we had said all these things back then, things would be far different now. And, of course, there's more that should've been said, but I wrote what I could without seemingly trying to tell the world our business (not a lot of people read my blog anyways).

I doubt you'll ever read this, but it's here, if the Universe decides you should cross paths with it.

I do hope your life thus far was fulfilling, successful and that you have many more years of happiness & adventures ahead of you...


                                                               Take Care,
                                                         Jessii